You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You can't just leave with hair like that
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
