My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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