So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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