based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
