I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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