You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
