We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
