no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
