Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
My liver just broke up with me...
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Actions speak louder than pants.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Randomize
