If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
