i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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