Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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