If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
