she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
