just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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