a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
