I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
