Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
God I need to hump something, right now.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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