i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
