I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
