Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
