Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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