Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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