he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
