i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
