I think I died a long time ago.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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