Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
