I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
