that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
