The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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