I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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