just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
