I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Randomize
