I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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