apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
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Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
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Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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