I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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