I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
