get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
