You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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