I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
