"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
