I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
