Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
