she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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