I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
