i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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