if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I still have a little drunk in my system
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
