Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
