im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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