Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
