I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
