I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
