You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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