Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
