I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
