I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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