He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
